Honestly, I am not the most proud of master student but I should re-learn on how to understand my self as well during the darkest period of my life, again, after 2018 trying to finish my bachelor thesis. Now I re-learn from myself journey and found out that I have such a huge burden became other people’s emotional punching bag and light to guide through their darkest period during the process finishing my thesis. I can no longer became that person. I am extremely generous yet I re-learn that not all people have such good intentions towards you except exploiting your generosity while fearing your power and brought you down.

They love to see you powerless and seeking for their help. So then they attack you personally with their projections since they do not like people who are so sovereign on their own. I met a lot of people who mirror my experience in 2023-2026 in my networks. I never new that before but now I re-learn my lessons that my networks was built by that “hero-victim” mentality. Sarted from my own families, close friends, and partner of mine. They created such a toxic loop of rescuing and be the bigger person. They do not like to be small and powerless. People loves to be a hero, bigger person, and became the upper hand. It feeds the “ego”. Meanwhile I am not. I am the an anti-hero person. When I help, I genuinely help without needing people to give back to me. I also think that people are not big or small. It was just them.

I learn so many things by myself and of course by looking at the people. I do not believe on the classical hero-victim games since I believe that each human being is unique and has their own power and this is not individualistic. I am sick of accusing other people of not helping me out. Its not like I do not need people. I need them but with boundaries while honoring their boundaries as well. So I relearn to create such a huge boundaries within my self. My psychological journey to eventually regain my power back taught me that people no matter who it is, will eventually underestimated you.

They love your approval and validation but hated when you are so sovereign and extremely clear with your path. They love you when you are down, helpless, and confused. They do not like when you are confident and so sure about your path. I am the most needed yet the most hated as well. People have been trying to control me and accused me of whatever the bad talks while secretly envied of how I am so sure about myself and feels like not needing everyone though expect me to be independent and light while they are in the dark.

Second of all, I graduate on time as previously I was late. Its a success for me in my personal journey. Its not a big achievement for others who envied my sovereign state of mine but It is fine and common in life. I made some change and discover that my nervous system indeed need to be recalibrated to not working only through meeting the deadline by putting aside my own self and duties for other people who has the same obligation. You can be failed, made a mistake, and keep moving on. I should have admitted that I still wanted to save and be a hero showing of my problem solving skill – the ego of scholar in her early career trying to prove that she can do something – imposter syndrome.

I was just trying to be different although not perfect and ‘again’ I relearn my mistake while making another mistake. You learn stuff not by doing the right thing and seeking for other approval and validation. You learn the most from your mistakes and ability to change in your own terms. Second, when my bachelor thesis trying to just “understand” what it is, my master supposed to be different. Even though my second reader during my bachelor thesis called my thesis as a master thesis. Meanings, I was excessing beyond than it supposed to be. I still have no idea why and how since I was just doing something that I thought was necessary. ‘Speed’ indeed something that I need to reconfigure in this avatar. The only thing that keep me in my mind is that I need to re-learn how to map out the discourse and theoretical analysis pretty fast before embedding into the context – field work.

Meanwhile, my master literally criticizing the indigenous ‘identity’ based movement and a call of re-structuration, reparation, reconfiguration in the redistribution based on their structure and relation of production in times of transition from ‘whale hunting’ to ‘whale watching’. So then the pre-text of not doing the whale hunting anymore due to preservation of an extinct sea mammal as such whale could deliver (environmental) ‘justice’. However, I was caught with the conflict details in so many layers: gender, generations, kin, and capital in the revival of Lamaleran indigineity. I stopped in the “recognition justice” and a call for redistributive justice without “reparative justice” to actually “re-structurize” the whaling structure and relation of production – the core of their identity construction as Lamaleran whaler, hence the indigenous “labour regime” could be fitted and fair with the new capital formation in the forms of tourism. At this point, the proto capitalist society transformed into capitalist society with new upgraded uniform and means of production, redistribution cash through tourism service not whale meat.

However, the the next question came into mind, how much does tourism paying the same amount of money in comparison to the whale hunting tradition? Does the previous structure and relation of production could sustain each of its member? If one “peledang” – the collective traditional boat, supposed to consist of 10 people with the Lamafa as the captain. How about whale watching attraction? How do we redistribute work in the new economy as such tourism while slowly transitioning the people with whaling ground concession being taken back by the people? How do we re-generate surplus from the collective gain and redistribute fairly in the new economy and its supply chain as such hostels, transportation, new boat, alternative fisheries income, restaurant, and tour not only in the ocean but also in nearby touristic places in Lamalera.

My argument is simply based upon the discursive “more than human nature and/or animal-human-nature relationship” in times of deepening neoliberalization process and climate crises inside the community could made the the indigenous community – indigenous mode of production and labour regime could sustain and fitted in the new capital gain through tourism. This type of question is no longer become the question of redistribution but also reparation since the tourism capital indeed change the contour of kinship relation which generate conflicts within their kin during the process. How do we minimize the degree of the conflict while slowly transitioning?

I was caught in the linear and orthodoxy of political economy who craving for big transformational labour regime my master thesis. I should have re-contextualize the small D into Big D (D-d) as such conservation and tourism machine and I should have become the social engineer not naive empathy. However, I was still young and dump about money. While money or whatever means it has supposed to be . The academic journey is not ending, it took me 3 years to fully understand my own thesis. I relearn again through so many events that woke me up about the way I understand stuffs. I confuse myself and could not just yet balancing between extreme romanticism of a young and naive anthropologist who drowned in the details of context as well as too extreme of agrarian political economy. I am always in between of both and justice for my self was not there since I gave and abandoned my self so much during the process. I did not took the time for myself. I cannot ask for help. I always give but rarely received. So then it is a call as a researcher, who secretly facing their own battle inside herself, while activist always accused the researcher just do nothing in the ivory tower or vice versa to much doing and anger while think about nothing. It is, but both learn stuff from life as well. Balancing the social-individual life/self-otherness and expand the redistribution became an exercise that finally inspire me to re-call the question after I have graduated. The reparation of the fragmentation cause by change and arrival of the new circuit of capital. Just like my self.

Three years after I wrote the thesis. I re-learn again about my self. I am the youngest among the third child with huge gap. My big sister is like my mother. She did admitted that. My second sister is like my father but she is a woman and human. Both likes control and did not like to be used all the time since they earn their position in todays world without any help from the other sister. However, at some point of life, we are not always in the good. We have bad times and trapped in a strong wave. I re-learn about claiming my independency-dependency on others. I can ask help but I need to pay for the contribution. Again, I re-learn that kindness is not free. That is why I rarely ask for help but then I need to learn to ask for one just enough to give space for others so then they can still feels their presence is matter. The trapped of homo socious. You cannot fully independent and be too much dependent or over gives on others. The degree and boundaries that constitute during the transaction matters. I relearn that from my self but also to myself. This is as well a reparative movement within so then I could reflect that upon the call of restructuration understanding Lamaleran people as a collective amidst the change.

The naivety as a student of anthropology in 2015 – the first time when I landed to the island, was finally being reconfigured in a hard 3 years lesson learning about reciprocity. The anger of agrarian political economy student started in 2019 – the time after graduated from anthropology and learning about the orthodoxy of agrarian marxism and mass movement or Big D, now being reconfigured as well. Its not like its not enough. It is well done but it ask you to re-do it again in a different way and lense. However, despite the mistake. I learn alot. It takes time to learn. I re-learn my relationship with money. I re-learn again my relationship with others. I re-learn again my relationships with my past and come into full circle not only in the concept just to understand but to actually do it and use it as a tools in so many layers of life.

My world is balancing, though, people said balance is a bullshit concept and word. I guess we forcing something so much and its fine. Sometimes, we force something so much and our body call for a balance itself through depression and illness, a call to rest, recalibrated and moving forward again. Reparation – Reproductive work.